okkk let me get back into the money zone.
i’m sitting here eating cherries in Jerusalem. the last few days have been intense. with non money related things. (e.g. meeting a released hostage) will not discuss here but if you’re interested I’m sharing more about my experience in Israel on my insta… it also happens to be an exercise in healing shame that somehow connects…
i.e if people feel triggered by me because I went to a private school / was gifted a property / grew up in a wealthy suburb / like having money and spending money / will vote for parties that favour smaller govt (big topic but connected to money because taxes)… and genuinely believe that is the optimal approach for a happy, prosperous, thriving society FOR ALL etc. that’s okay. people are okay to feel triggered and to also not want to be near me because they need to demonise people like me otherwise their worldview falls apart? or something. or they just don’t like me. also fine. or it’s just their own stuff projected onto me and it’s not always that deep. cool. or they genuinely believe marxism is a great idea. strongly disagree but okay.
likewise if people feel triggered by me coming to Israel, trying to understand the conflict myself, speaking to people who are directly involved… that’s also fine. and if it’s too challenging for them to hear a different perspective and they don’t want to follow me anymore, great. we all have to protect ourselves from what kind of information we let in.
andddd I’m not wrong / a bad person for existing. lol (I used to feel this!!). or for being curious, for sharing my experience & thoughts (scary), for having values and principles that I care deeply about (I don’t why… maybe just how I’m wired.)
so yeah both exercises in sharing (this blog & my insta) are about overcoming shame and fear. like it’s okay that I exist. it’s safe for me to share my thoughts (I hope)1. it’s safe for people to not like me or not want to hear what I have to say.
anyway back to money. $£$£$£
a fear that’s coming up now. is. so I was gifted a property. I haven’t “worked” in the traditional sense for nearly 18 months. but I am “working” in that I am following what I understand to be my soul’s purpose on this earth. I’m not sitting on a beach. or having loads of fun constantly (could do with having a bit more fun tbh… ooooh some programming there to unpick… “you’re not allowed to have fun you have to always be working and always be serious. it’s a very serious world and you must suffer by working hard else you are not a serious person and you will not be worthy of respect.")
okay can sit with that one another time.
ANYWAY the fear is. what if, as I’m pursuing this path I receive more financial gifts. not just from anyone. but from my parents (which actually by the way I have - tuition to study a master’s degree at Cambridge during my depression era (I also had a scholarship, let the record show). and living expenses for a year after (and probably during tbh). wow a lot... I have been so busy feeling shame I forgot to be grateful. no excuse. I am probably a bit (or used to be very) entitled as well, as my Dad has confirmed. will try to do better!!! 😬). and then the judgement… okay let me let the internalised voices speak…
she gets “help” from her parents. she hasn’t been able to “support herself”. she just floats around and spends her parents money. she is actually intelligent and has a degree in maths but she doesn’t do anything with her life. she couldn’t hack it in banking and now she just lives off her parents.
ahhhhh I want to write more but this is already two days late and it’s 10:30pm and I want to go to the Kotel!
so. until next week. I know I owe you stuff about my attitude to money… like what happens when it “runs out”? what then. etc. (hint, no such thing as money “running out” controversial I know, and easy for me to say, yes. but maybe I can convince you, esp if we start getting into what money really is (a collective myth… something that doesn’t exist in the real sense… we talked about that here already right??).
okay. see you soon. love xxxx
for some people (and maybe most of history???) it’s not safe to share their thoughts freely. they will be killed. hence I care about protecting the freedom to speak and not be killed……….. hmmmmm interesting this really all does connect
here's a little stretch for me to comment this, and maybe for you to receive it too: delia! this is a filler post!! the plot did not advance at all!!!
i like ur writing voice a lot tho so it was still a joy to read :^)